Jim Shelley: Britain's Got Talent is part freak show and part fakery... but it still has ratings The Voice can only dream of
By JIM SHELLEY
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It should be another quiet night on Britain’s Got Talent.
After just two episodes of the new series, Simon Cowell’s extravaganza is once again the only reality show everyone is talking about, making headlines with gay abandon, and achieving ratings that its Saturday night rival The Voice can only dream of.
If anything, BGT has become MORE extreme, more surreal and unpredictable – a production (and that is what it is – like a piece of theatre) that is part panto, part vaudeville, and part modern-day three-ring circus.
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Great ratings: Simon Cowell has masterminded the success of Britain's Got Talent, with co-judges Amanda Holden, Alesha Dixon and David Walliams
Cowell of course is the ring-master, working the audience, smooth-talking us into parting with more money.
Given some of the more bizarre, unhinged individuals who appear on it, Britain’s Got Talent has also been labelled a modern-day freak show.
But at least the Bearded Lady, conjoined twins, and Mexican Werewolf Boy were real - or at least I think they were. I’m not 100 per cent sure about the Mexican Werewolf Boy.
At least it didn’t later transpire that they were earning £25, 000 a year playing cruise ships.
Please don't hurt me! Anthony McPartlin looks nervous as he helps out magician Aaron Crow on Saturday's Britain's Got Talent
What is going on? Ant looks a bit baffled
After just two weeks, BGT has already been beset with controversies along these lines.
It turned out that the VERY talented, semi-naked trio, the CEO Dancers have toured with Rita Ora.
So our condolences to them.
Faking it: Dancing trio CEO made it through to the next round, but have already been on tour with Rita Ora
The appallingly-named Pop’arrazi Crew made the semi final of Holland’s Got Talent – a contest eventually won by Robin Van Persie, chipping a rugby ball into a paddling pool while standing on one leg and rapping Ice Ice Baby: 'Yo RVP/let’s kick it' et cetera.
Then of course there was what has now presumably become known as PaniniGate.
The Johnson Brothers (Richard and Adam) sang what I thought was a rather grating version of The Impossible Dream but were (inevitably on this show) instantly hailed as 'amazing' and 'genius' and accused of 'smashing it' by the judges - Cowell, David Walliams and the two women in this panto, Amanda Holden and Alesha Dixon who may not be Ugly but can certainly cackle like Cinderella's evil sisters.
Faking it: Sandwich shop workers Richard and Adam were instantly branded as The Panini Pavarottis, but they already released an album
The Johnson Brothers' emotive back-story was not that they suffered from any appalling illnesses or even that they had a Nan but that they worked in a sandwich shop – which didn’t seem THAT bad to me but there you go.
They were instantly branded as The Panini Pavarottis and you could see the euros (not to say the sandwiches) flashing in Simon Cowell’s eyes as he dreamed of turning them in to the next Paul Potts (only with fewer doughnuts).
Then the papers discovered that not only were the Johnson Brothers a regular feature on the cruise ship circuit, they had released an album produced by Gordon Lorenz.
Lorenz had compared them to his protégé Charlotte Church – the only difference being they were male, there were two of them, and they weren’t actually that talented.
Motor mouth: Impersonator Francine Lewis neglected to mention that she had also been on television as recently as last year
Impersonator Francine Lewis presented herself as a mother of two children, neglecting to mention that she had appeared on shows like Channel 4’s Very Important People only last year. Then again she didn’t mention that it also appears she can only do impressions of people from Essex. She also had to suffer the ignominy of being criticised by Katie Price for sounding inarticulate.
The outrage that all this fakery and obfuscation provoked among the public - on twitter, in the BGT chat-rooms and in the queues in Greggs - was understandable.
There's nothing honourable and amusing about tricking the public this way.
We watch Britain’s Got Talent expecting to find someone undiscovered; someone who has never sung before. We are looking for the WOW moments. It’s those that have us all glued to our screens – except when we are frantically tweeting about it of course.
What we we really want to see are the newcomers or amateurs finding the courage to perform for the first time.
And to be fair, BGT has already had at least two of these with comedian Jack Carroll and 11 year-old Arisxandra Libantino whose performance of One Night Stand was extraordinary, although it is true that when Jennifer Hudson sang 'come on big baby come on/one night only/we only have till dawn', the song probably meant something more suggestive.
As for the ‘scandals’, none of them will have caused Cowell to lose any sleep. As long as the show makes headlines, it is doing its job and he will, ultimately make millions.
Admittedly he would probably prefer a nice teenage singer rather than another Ashleigh & Pudsey. Then again, god knows what he might do with the racoon act that features in tonight’s show.
Take it back to Hollywood ?
Of course the show knows all about the background of most the contestants.
Acts like the Panini Pavarottis are just the sacrifices to the BGT publicity machine that have to be made – like poor Chloe Mafia, the 19 year-old drug-addled prostitute hung out to dry after appearing on the X Factor in 2010.
A glimpse of truth: 14-year-old Jack Carroll from Yorkshire who has cerebral palsy appeared as a rather funny stand-up comic
We want to see newcomers or amateurs like Jack finding the courage to perform for the first time
One of the ads (for Rice Krispies’ Squares) that appears on the BGT website sums it up nicely.
'It’s all lies,' says the tag line. 'They’re not even square !'
It just goes to proves the rich can make money – even when they’re lying openly.
Whether tonight’s show will see more amazing acts like Jack and Arisxandra, more dull semi-professionals, or out and out freak show material is anyone’s guess.
All we do know is that one act is a sword-wielding illusionist who slices a pineapple balanced on Ant from Ant & Dec’s head while wearing a blindfold (the magician that is, not Ant. Or the pineapple.)
Mesmerizing: 11 year-old Arisxandra Libantino¿s performance of One Night Stand was extraordinary
Going strong: The mixture of emotions, both real and fake, has helped rake in the viewers
I know what you’re thinking. Which of us hasn’t tried it in the kitchen and, regrettably, sometimes failed ?
But it should make for great television.
'I love the idea of watching something where there is a possibility that someone could actually die,' Simon Cowell has said, probably while stroking a white cat sitting on his knee.
Yes Simon. Why not just bring back Gladiators – except with real weapons instead of giant cotton buds ? Or have children fighting each other to the death on a Saturday night variation of The Hunger Games?
'The fact that it was Ant,' he added, 'only made it more exciting.'
Of course, if it had been Cowell himself, it would have been REALLY exciting (a MILLION per cent more exciting, a TRILLION per cent more fantastic).
There would also have been the added bonus that the sword swishing narrowly across his head would have improved his haircut no end.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2315707/Britains-Got-Talent-freak-fakery--ratings-The-Voice-dream-of.html#ixzz2RgXAJQOi
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