Your Xmas telly starts here! From a dashing new Mr Darcy to the return of Open All Hours, JAN MOIR, snuggles up on the sofa for a cracking Christmas on the box
By JAN MOIR
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Classic: Matthew Rhys stars in Death Comes to Pemberley on BBC 1 this Christmas
Turkey ordered, tinsel up, tree en-baubled, toys wrapped, tinfoil unfurled? Well done. Keep going.
You are so very, very nearly there, inching ever more towards the heart of the Christmas festivities.
Schedule wrecked but halls decked? Check. Holly boughs hung and seasonal jolliness factor set to warp factor ten? Kids in a sugar coma, spouse throttled, pets in the doghouse?
Excellent work, fellow elves. And now, with most of the tedious preparation out of the way, it is time to get down to the serious business, to the very essence of the festive season, to the cinnamon-scented reality of what Christmas is all about — telly. For what in the name of square-eyed criminy are we going to watch over the festive season?
There is a blizzard of programmes, an embarrassment of choice. That’s why I am making a list, I’m checking it twice. I’m telling you what is naughty and nice. So let us flip open the box of over–stuffed, all-channel Christmas crackers and begin.
Death Comes To Pemberley (BBC1)
Author P.D. James was almost 90 when she came up with the idea of writing a kind of sequel to Jane Austen’s Pride And Prejudice.
The result, Death Comes To Pemberley, was a number one bestseller in 2011 and, she says, a complete thrill to write — or to be precise, dictated to her secretary. ‘We just rattled through it,’ she says. ‘I am just so pleased that people liked it.’ Her sequel is a clever pastiche of Austen’s style, combined with a bloodthirsty murder mystery.
It also satisfies curiosity about what happened to Elizabeth and Darcy after they married; did they live happily ever after? Did they have children? Now millions of viewers will find out. The clock turns back, the muslin frocks and bonnets abound as P.D. James’s perfectly imagined imaginary tale comes to the small screen. Hopes are high — I expect it to be nothing short of a sensation.
The new BBC adaptation finds that Elizabeth (Anna Maxwell Martin) and Darcy (Matthew Rhys) have two young sons and a happy family life. They are preparing for the annual ball at their magnificent Pemberley home, but the unannounced arrival of Elizabeth’s wayward sister, Lydia (Jenna Coleman), brings a shocking halt to the merry-making.
Sequel: Death Comes to Pemberley, starring Anna Maxwell-Martin as Elizabeth Darcy and Matthew Rhys as Darcy, is a sequel to Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice
Before she even makes it to the front door, foul play is a-foot. She stumbles out of her carriage screaming that her husband Wickham (Matthew Goode) has been murdered. Darcy quickly leads a search party out to the woods, and they soon discover a bloody corpse. However — scream — it is not Wickham. The first of a three-part series.
Downton Abbey (ITV)
Once more Downton is lobbed into the heart of the festive schedule, like a peach into the punchbowl.
A two-hour special, for Christmas Day evening, finds the Crawleys in London for the summer season.
That is the first disappointment. Blowing a big crimbo raspberry to that straight away. For I like it best when the characters in all our favourite dramas are suffering and rejoicing through Christmas, too.
Who could forget Downton in 2011, when the tree went up in the hall and Matthew proposed to Mary in a storm of polystyrene snow outside the big house? That was unbeatable. The car crash and death in last year’s Christmas Downton? Unspeakable.
Instead, we are in the summer of 1923 and Rose is coming out, with a splendid debutante ball. I think we all know who won’t be providing the dance tunes.
Christmas special: Downton Abbey will once again be lobbed into the heart of the festive schedule with a two-hour special
Special guests include Shirley MacLaine, back as Cora’s mother Martha Levinson. This is one party she would not miss, even though Rose (Lily James) is barely known to her. Also arriving in London is her playboy son Harold Levinson (Paul Giamatti), a new character who is very interested in yachts.
Cue two upstart Americans drivelling on about ‘your stuffy English ways’. Cue resulting snits and acid putdowns from Violet (Dame Maggie Smith).
Viewers can also expect to be updated on the grim cliffhangers from series four. Did Bates kill Green following Anna’s rape? Did Edith keep the baby and find her missing lover?
BAKE OFF CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
Christmas is also about cakes. Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry (below) don suitably seasonal jumpers to guide us through the festive bakes.
There are no pesky amateurs with soggy bottoms clogging up the action. Instead, it is a brisk, nutmeggy trot through mincemeat, streusel and a gingerbread house that can be made by all the family — that’s a lovely idea.
Other bakes include Scottish black bun — a Hogmanay special — and a Boxing Day pie.
PS The Great British Sewing Bee also returns for a brief Christmas reunion. The 82-year-old winner Ann and her perfectly seamed creations were always a quiet joy.
Here, she shows us how to make our own Christmas table linen — that is not going to be happening in my house any time soon.
Added bonus, judge Patrick Grant. Is he or is he not the best-dressed man on television?
Note to Santa: please, please leave a big parcel of happiness under the tree for Edith. She started the recent season on a roll, now she is heartsick, wandering around Downton like a parboiled stick of leek. She deserves a nice surprise — but will she get it?
Educating Yorkshire at Christmas (c4)
The critically acclaimed series returns for a festive catch-up and reboots faith in humanity. The pupils at Thornhill Community Academy are a year older — are they also a year wiser?
There are surprises. Some trouble-makers have come good, some who couldn’t wait to leave school are missing it more than they ever imagined. Meanwhile, Mr Mitchell is still on a mission.
Gangsta Granny (BBC1)
Another winner from the pen of David Walliams, who effortlessly understands what children find funny and interesting. Last year’s Mr Stink was a big hit.
This year’s Gangsta Granny tells the tale of schoolboy Ben (Reece Buttery), bored to sobs after he is made to stay at the house of his grandma, played by Julia McKenzie.
Why? All she ever wants to do is stay in, play Scrabble and have cabbage soup for tea. However, she was once an international jewel thief, and together they go on a wild adventure. Along the way they meet Her Majesty The Queen (Joanna Lumley) and Mr Parker (Rob Brydon).
Walliams also stars as Ben’s dad, alongside wife Linda (Miranda Hart). Mum and Dad are obsessed with Strictly Come Dancing — which at least explains David’s tiramisu-hued fake tan.
Call The Midwife (BBC1)
Here we are, back in Nonnatus House as Christmas 1958 begins. Jenny’s (Jessica Raine) relationship with Alec (Leo Staar) continues to blossom, while Shelagh (Laura Main) prepares for her wedding to Dr Turner (Stephen McGann).
Of Chummy (Miranda Hart) there is no sign, even if Christmas isn’t really Christmas without Miranda on at least six different shows. I digress. The festivities are broken by a hammering on the door.
Whose waters have broken? The lights go out over Poplar as residents cope with an unexploded bomb.
Sherlock (BBC1)
Bound to be one of the big Christmas hits, Benedict Cumberbatch returns as Sherlock Holmes in three 90-minute films — The Empty Hearse, The Sign Of Three and His Last Vow. At his side his trusty friend Dr John Watson (Martin Freeman) prepared to assist through a maze of killers and clues.
He's back: Benedict Cumberbatch returns as Sherlock Holmes in three 90-minute films this Christmas
A smash since it first appeared in the summer of 2010, this has been . . . but wait. There is one tiny thing — wasn’t Sherlock killed at the end of the last series? Indeed he was — now the ten million who tuned in will discover just how their hero faked his own death.
Still Open All Hours (BBC1)
Sir David Jason returns as an older, wiser, weather-beaten Granville. Some years ago he inherited the shop from his beloved but miserly Uncle Arkwright (played by Ronnie Barker), who has now gone to that cash and carry in the sky.
Granville now runs the shop, alongside his son Leroy (James Baxter), a cheerful, good-looking lad with more female admirers than Granville ever had.
There is no Mrs Granville in sight — the boy just arrived on the shop doorstep, the surprise result of a one-night stand in Blackpool 25 years ago.
Sir David Jason returns as Granville in Still Open All Hours on BBC 1 while James Baxter, pictured left, stars as his son Leroy
Granville!
Lots of familiar faces, including Nurse Gladys Emmanuel (Lynda Barron) and the Black Widow (Stephanie Cole).
Incredibly, the last episode of the hugely popular Open All Hours was broadcast 28 years ago. Note that this is part of a retro shift that also sees a new version of Birds Of A Feather on ITV.
Moonfleet (Sky)
Hopes are high for Moonfleet, a new period drama starring Ray Winstone as salty smuggler Elzevir Bloc. This two-part adaptation of the much-loved John Meade Falkner novel is set in the small Dorset village of Moonfleet.
THE BIG FILMS THIS CHRISTMAS
Channel 4’s selection box of films is groaning with all the best Christmassy titles , including The Snowman, plus its sequel, The Snowman And The Snowdog.
Also on the schedule; It’s A Wonderful Life (everyone’s favourite), White Christmas (evergreen classic), Muppets Christmas Carol (pictured below) and Scrooged.
BBC1 has Little Fockers, Cars 2 and Kung Fu Panda, and BBC4 goes back in time with Kind Hearts And Coronets and Whisky Galore!, while Danish film The Fir Tree sounds charming.
e are in the 18th century and young John (Aneurin Barnard) is desperate to join the local band of smugglers. Soon — like lots of WAGS today — they have embarked on a quest for a fabled diamond.
Their journey takes them to the jewellery quarter of The Hague, and a gripping, final sea voyage. Prepare to have your timbers shivered.
Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1)
I do love a Christmas Special — and you can always depend on Strictly for hurricane strength amounts of glitter and glitz. This year, the six celebrities taking part are Rochelle Humes (The Saturdays), Radio 2 DJ Sara Cox, Elaine Paige, Ricky Norwood from EastEnders, Matt Goss and comedian Rufus Hound. I’ve heard of three of them, so that’s a good start.
Sir Bruce Forsyth and Tess Daly preside over the stumbling mayhem; the usual judges are in the chairs.
Carols From Kings (BBC2)
One cherry-cheeked chorister stands in the candlelit, fan-vaulted splendour of the Chapel of King’s College, Cambridge. In a high, clear voice he starts to sing Once In Royal David’s City. For millions, Christmas truly begins at this moment.
It is always beautiful, unmissable. This year, the story of the Nativity is told through the words of the King James’ Bible, and in readings from poems by Edwin Muir, G.K. Chesterton and Ben Jonson. The Choir of King’s College sing carols including In Dulci Jubilo, The Sussex Carol, O Little Town Of Bethlehem and Away In A Manger.
PS Please Channel 4, can we have a Gogglebox Christmas special? Watching them watching Christmas television would make Christmas television completely complete.
Doctor Who — The Time of the Doctor (BBC 1)
Millions will tune in to see the massed forces of the universe’s deadliest species gather, drawn to a mysterious message that echoes out to the stars. It goes something like this: ‘Come in, Matthew Smith, your time is up.’ It is no secret that this is the final episode for the 11th doctor, who will be replaced by Peter Capaldi. More dream Time Lord casting.
A tiny bit of Christmas action as Clara (Jenna Coleman) almost gets to enjoy a traditional lunch. What does this all mean for the fate of the universe?
Action packed: Jenna Coleman stars as Clara alongside Matt Smith as The Doctor in the Christmas special
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