In an Olympics fraught with controversy, nothing has come even close to the shit show that was Ladies Figure Skating last night. I’m talking “petition” angry. Where did it all go so wrong? Let’s rehash.
Starting with the youngest competitor, Russia’s Yulia Lipnitskaya, who is only 15, but somehow had the horse sense to think it would be in good taste to skate as the little girl in the red coat to the score from Schindler’s List. This idea falls somewhere between Julianne Hough dressing up in blackface for Halloween, and Justin Bieber pounding his chest and pointing up to Anne Frank in heaven, on the bad taste spectrum. My ancestors would be rolling over in their mass grave if they saw this thing.
Yulia, who was Russia’s Tiny White Hope for gold these Games, finished in fifth place overall. But given that she’s so young, she still has plenty of time to come back to South Korea in 2018. Though I am dreading the moment she debuts her long program as Celie in The Color Purple.
America’s ladies did O.K. for themselves too. Fifteen-year-old Polina Edmunds is nothing but good vibes (her fan-girling for Yuna Kim is beyond adorable), and did our country proud with her solid routine. (I PRETENDED NOT TO SEE THIS.)
American Gracie Gold also wowed on the world’s stage, and thankfully has another few seasons to go until Matthew Weiner pulls the Fat Betty trigger?
Then there is Ashley Wagner, a girl who finished seventh in the overall competition, but has earned the world’s gold in “Being Overly Dramatic.” There is not a camera in space that could miss her borderline-ticky facial expressions, from the famous “Bullshit” GIFf that opened these games to Wednesday’s score/thumbs up combo, to last night’s over-the-top post-performance fist pump:
The girl is just too much. She’s the girl at theater camp you’re dying to shake but CAN’T.
O.k., you guys have been patiently waiting to lose your collective shits this entire article, so let’s talk about what really happened last night.
Russia’s Adelina Sotnikova came into yesterday’s skate in second place behind South Korea’s Yuna Kim (or Kim Yu-na if you fancy). Yuna had won gold in Vancouver four years ago, and was the sure thing shoe-in favorite to win again last night.
Adelina began skating to a top-five fave classical piece, Saint-Saëns’s Introduction and Rondo Capriccioso, Op.28, and put on what I thought was a great show. Energetic, powerful, Adelina was as “on” as you could get on the ice, and the Russian crowd let her know it. It was hard not to get worked up over it, a nation supporting one of their own. Some of her moves defied “bone logic,” like this one:
And while to the naked eye of a non-expert (mine) I didn’t see really any mistakes in her performance, there was one two-footed landing that even Costas himself could see through his infected haze:
Not a full on fall, but certainly not a clean, effortless landing. Little did I know while watching, this would soon be known as:
I thought she killed it, and the panel of Seven Anonymous Judges agreed, giving her 224.59 points, 22 over her personal best.
Yuna’s work was now cut out for her. Skating to “Adios Nonino,” she glided across the ice like a ripple on a still lake, landing her jumps with an ease that almost made it look too easy. It was not the kind of performance you stamp your feet to, but rather lower your monocle down and mutter, “. . . how very . . .” under your breath. She was perfect. And she knew it. Sitting in the results box, waiting for her score, you could see it written on everyone’s face:
“Not so!” replied the Coven of Judges, who scored Yuna highly, but not high enough to beat Adelina. She would take silver, and Italy’s Carolina Kostner the bronze.
Yuna seemed to take the news well. Until she didn’t:
The world’s reaction soon followed:
Right now, there is a petition over at Change.org called “Open Investigation into Judging Decisions of Women's Figure Skating and Demand Rejudgement at the Sochi Olympics” that has 1.7 million signatures and counting. I didn’t know figure skating fans had this kind of fire inside of them, but apparently they do. If you’re interested in digging deeper into the scoring numbers and what exactly went down yesterday, The Wire has an in-depth article that should answer your questions and help you draw a conclusion.
And this New York Times article points out that the commentators were just as shocked at Sotnikova’s win, but wonders if, I don’t know, maybe this little wriggly fact had something to do with it:
“One of the judges for Thursday’s women’s competition is married to the general director of the Russian figure skating federation. Another, from Ukraine, was at the center of a voting scandal in ice dancing at the 1998 Nagano Olympics.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: #RUSSIANJUDGES
Here’s where I stand on the issue: both girls did unbelievable jobs, and are soon to be household names thanks to the controversy. Yuna is now a two-time medalist, not to mention the seventh richest female athlete in the world. She’s also a rock star in her home country of South Korea. No, really, she has albums out. Here she is SINGING ON ICE:
I went into these Sochi Games with a sinking feeling that something terrible was going to happen. Not to jinx anything, as we still have two days until the closing ceremonies, but if this skating oversight is the worst thing that happens, the good news is everything is still fine. Yuna has her millions, Adelina becomes a national hero, her family isn’t killed, and everyone lives long and happy lives. And while Yuna says these are her last Games, she should really consider Plushenko-ing it and coming back to compete in the South Korean 2018 Games, where the home advantage will be all hers.
I went into these Sochi Games with a sinking feeling that something terrible was going to happen. Not to jinx anything, as we still have two days until the closing ceremonies, but if this skating oversight is the worst thing that happens, the good news is everything is still fine. Yuna has her millions, Adelina becomes a national hero, her family isn’t killed, and everyone lives long and happy lives. And while Yuna says these are her last Games, she should really consider Plushenko-ing it and coming back to compete in the South Korean 2018 Games, where the home advantage will be all hers.
And you know why I feel that way? BECAUSE LIFE IS UNFAIR. Google it Yoonz. There are almost 100,000,000 results for a reason, girl. So take a Scrooge McDuck dip in your coin pool of millions, donate your silver medal to the poor or melt it down into a sweet grill, and let’s all pop a Jonathan Midol and move on.*
(*Ed. Note: This coming from a girl who once lost at Speech and Debate nationals ~brag~ to a blind girl who was terrible. I still talk about it to this day, 17 years later. I take it all back. RAGE ON YUNA.)
We are only two days away from the closing ceremonies! Until then, a few questions: am I taking this skating controversy too casually? Is it because I don’t know how to skate? Or jog? Did anyone think Adelina deserved that gold? Be honest . . . did you sign the petition?Comments section, or just follow me and then passive aggressively unfollow me on Twitter.