Who broke the internet... and how DID Malaria win a Nobel Prize? All will be revealed in the CHEEKIEST quiz of the year
HOUSE OF FOOLS
The year in politics
1 How did a bacon sandwich cause problems for Ed Miliband?
A It scored more votes than the Labour candidate in the Rochester by-election.
B He looked really awkward eating one in a photo-opportunity gone bad.
C He offered one to the leader of a Muslim community group.
D He was asked the price of one from Greggs during a radio interview, and guessed at £14.50.
2…And what did he forget in a crucial party conference speech?
A His trousers.
B The name of his Shadow Home Secretary.
C To turn his microphone on.
D To mention the economy.
3 Who said: ‘Demotion, emotion, promotion, locomotion, I don’t know how you would describe this move?’
A Len Goodman describing Greg Wallace’s cha-cha-cha on Strictly Come Dancing.
B Norman Shufflewick, winner of the 2014 Bad Poetry Prize.
C Michael Gove, as he was shunted from Education Secretary to Chief Whip.
D Calvin Harris in the lyrics to his latest hit.
4 What was controversial about the ‘this is what a feminist looks like’ T-shirt, as worn by Harriet Harman in the Commons?
A It was so last season, darling.
B It was made by female workers paid just 62p an hour.
C It bore a picture of controversial pick-up artist Julien Blanc.
D It showed off a vast expanse of sideboob.
5 In June, Robert Jenrick became the first Conservative to do what in 25 years?
A Meet a poor person.
B Go on strike.
C Win a by-election while in power.
D The lambada, thanks to Strictly Come Dancing.
6 Who or what was Brooks Newmark?
A The firm of solicitors that keeps sending you emails about the accident at work that wasn’t your fault…
B The Tory MP who resigned in a sexting scandal.
C The winner of the Cheltenham Gold Cup.
D Stationers to Her Majesty.
7 Which of these titles has Tony Blair NOT been awarded this year?
A A top gay icon by Gay Times.
B GQ magazine’s Philanthropist of the Year.
C A ‘global legacy award’ by Save The Children.
D Turner Prize for his radical reinterpretation of the Christmas card.
8 Nigel Mills was caught playing Candy Crush when he should have been doing what?
A Getting married.
B Considering evidence on pensions reform at a Commons committee.
C Piloting a drone strike.
D Playing Farm Heroes Saga.
9 What lasted 32 seconds?
A The foam sprayed down by World Cup referees to show where the defence wall should be at a free kick.
B Maria Miller’s apology to MPs for the expenses scandal that brought her down.
C The average game of short-lived iPhone phenomenon Flappy Bird.
D The 100m at the Commonwealth
Games run by Kiribati’s only athlete, 96-year-old Fred Splott.
THE WEST LOTHIAN QUESTIONS
Scotland’s referendum and the Commonwealth Games
10 In a breach of Royal protocol, David Cameron revealed that the Queen reacted to the Scottish referendum result by…
A Celebrating with a deep-fried Mars bar and a bottle of Buckfast.
B Conga-ing through Balmoral chanting ‘Rule Bri-effing–tania’.
C ‘Purring down the line.’
D Reinstating the lost verse of the National Anthem about ‘crushing rebellious Scots’.
11 Which toy got involved in the Scottish referendum?
A Monopoly, after it said an independent Scotland couldn’t use its notes as currency.
B Risk, which refused to produce a new version showing Scotland as a separate county.
C Lego, which complained after the ‘better together’ camp unofficially used its figures in an advertising campaign.
D Mr Potato Head, which brought out a particularly life-like Alex Salmond model.
12 How did Colin and Chris Weir, who bankrolled the Yes campaign, make their millions?
A They wrote the theme tune to Taggart.
B Winning the Lottery.
C Suppliers of salt and sauce to Edinburgh’s chip shops.
D Suing Apple for breaching the rights of the MacBook family from Stranraer.
13 Which of these featured in the opening ceremony of the Glasgow Commonwealth Games?
A A troupe of Tunnock’s teacakes.
B Wee Jimmy Krankie’s one-woman recreation of the Battle Of Bannockburn.
C A 50ft Irn-Bru fountain.
D A bar brawl between Rangers and Celtic fans, reimagined as a ballet routine.
14 Also at the Games, who was stopped by security guards from entering the Sir Chris Hoy Velodrome?
A Sir Chris Hoy.
B Australian competitor Baz Strine – as his penny farthing design was deemed to have breached the rules.
C A prankster who had intended on removing all the saddles and replacing them with whoopee cushions.
D No one – cyclists won’t stop for anything.
FRUITCAKES, LOONIES AND CLOSET RACISTS?
All about the party whose supporters just keep on giving us questions for silly end-of-year news quizzes
15 Which of these was a genuine lyric from the calypso DJ Mike Read wrote in support of Ukip?
A ‘On immigration, I want the last of it/Now it’s time to pull out of Maastricht.’
B ‘With the EU we must be on our mettle/They want to change our lawnmowers and our kettles.’
C ‘Fight them on the street/ Fight them in the garage/ We are the army of Nigel Farage.’
D ‘Brussels rules are quite defective/Especially section 4, subsection b), paragraph vi) of the agricultural produce (carrots, dimensions thereof) directive.’
16 On what did Ukip councillor David Silvester blame January’s heavy floods?
A The legalisation of gay marriage, an act that was ‘arrogantly against the Gospel’.
B Global warming – and there not being quite enough of it.
C The Belgians.
D His wife leaving the kitchen taps on.
GREAT BRITISH ESTABLISHMENTS
A miscellany…
17 What did the Church of England General Synod vote for?
A To allow women to become bishops.
B To allow bishops to become women.
C To replace the Lord’s Prayer with the Action Plan Directed At A Non-Gender-Specific Deity.
D The addition of six more commandments, including: ‘Thou shalt not recline thine airline seat on a short-haul flight.’
18 What did Tesco admit to overestimating?
A Demand for Jeremy Paxman’s own-brand Paxo Stuffing, his retirement plan after quitting Newsnight.
B Just how annoying ‘unexpected item in the packing area’ becomes.
C Their own profits, to the tune of a mere £264million.
D The obesity epidemic, after unveiling a new store with 40ft wide checkouts.
19 The magazine Cotswold Life was widely mocked for highlighting which far-from everyday issue in a front-page headline?
A Labour’s mansion tax will hit even ‘modest’ £2million garden sheds.
B One family’s desperate search for a second pony.
C Help! My caviar-stuffed lobster is too big for my Aga.
D Should I pay my Ukrainian under-butler double for working on his national holiday?
20 The Queen advertised for what job vacancy?
A Chewing gum remover.
B Sorter of the Royal recycling.
C 17th in line to the Throne.
D Attendant to Her Majesty’s Toilet Duck.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
A mid-quiz meal break…
21 What scandal hit the Great British Bake Off?
A Use of performance-enhancing drugs known on the street as ‘icing sugar’.
B The writers of the Carry On films sued Mel and Sue for using all their innuendoes.
C One contestant apparently ‘sabotaged’ another’s Baked Alaska by removing it from the freezer.
D Mary Berry sex tape.
22 Why did Heston Blumenthal have to temporarily close his restaurant Dinner at the Mandarin Oriental hotel?
A An outbreak of the norovirus.
B His main course, a gas of roast beef, set off the smoke alarms.
C Because vandals kept writing ‘dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner Batman’ on the sign.
D Supplies of the Turkey Twizzlers he was serving as a delicacy ran dry.
GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOTS
In international news…
23 At the Nato summit in Newport, US Ambassador Matthew Barzun said most Americans knew only three words in Welsh. Which three?
A Croeso i Cymru.
B Catherine Zeta-Jones.
C Sod Off Yank.
D Cardiff City Nil.
24 Why did French President Francois Hollande wear a crash helmet?
A To conceal an unsightly boil.
B So he could visit his mistress on a scooter without being spotted.
C He briefly joined the band Daft Punk.
D In case his meeting with David Cameron over migrants at Calais ended in blows.
25 The CIA joined Twitter this year. What was its first tweet?
A ‘Hello from Area 51… erm, I mean an entirely unexceptional piece of Nevada Desert.’
B ‘We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.’
C ‘We’re following you. And not just on Twitter.’
D ‘Ed Balls.’
KEEPING US ENTERTAINED
News from the showbusiness world
26 How did former Towie star Amy Childs answer when asked about ebola?
A ‘She’s nearly two now and just started walking...’
B ‘I don’t like it; I don’t like any of the games they have at the village fete.’
C ‘I might be a big fan after tonight…’ mistaking it for an up-and-coming band.
D ‘I won’t eat any of that foreign muck…’
27 What did Naomi Campbell mistakenly call Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai in a congratulatory tweet?
A Banana.
B Pyjama.
C Lalala.
D Malaria.
28 Jennifer Lawrence, Channing Tatum, Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts, Kevin Spacey, Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt, Lupita Nyong’o and Angelina Jolie all appeared in what this year?
A The new Avengers superhero movie.
B Court.
C A selfie that talk show host Ellen DeGeneres took at the Oscars.
D Ice bucket challenge videos.
29 For what did Bono apologise?
A The last 20 years of his career.
B Dumping U2’s latest album on every Apple iTunes customer without them asking for it.
C Getting into a Twitter row with the Pope over who was the most pious.
D Avoiding tax.
30 Why did Boris Johnson accuse the BBC of bias?
A Because a fictional newspaper report, seen on screen for a second during an episode of Sherlock, referred to a ‘dithering, incoherent, and self-interested’ London mayor.
B Because the red team won twice as often as the blue team on Bargain Hunt.
C Because all the contestants on The Apprentice were irritating, arrogant numpties, undermining the idea of capitalism.
D Because they wouldn’t commission Boris Island, a reality show about life in the utopian paradise he would run if he was in charge of everything.
31 How did Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow announce they were splitting up?
A By saying they were ‘consciously uncoupling’.
B Gwyneth publicly tweeted: ‘UR dumped LOL’ to Chris.
C Via a Coldplay album with tediously introspective tracks, so unlike their usual output.
D They took out an advert in Caravan And Caravanning magazine.
QUESTIONS OF SPORT…
Not just making the back pages
32 All but one of these things genuinely happened at the Sochi Winter Olympics. Which is the lie?
A Workers were employed to spray-paint dead brown grass green.
B Toilet rooms were built containing several WCs, but no partitioning separating them.
C Only four of the five Olympic rings lit up at the opening ceremony… not that Russian TV viewers would have known as the footage was doctored to show all going to plan.
D Vladimir Putin won gold in the bareback riding, after all his rivals went down with a mysterious bug/polonium poisoning.
33 How did Formula 1 boss Bernie Ecclestone end bribery charges against him?
A By winning a fair and open trial in which all the evidence against him was heard, considered and dismissed.
B By bunging £60million to the German prosecutors.
C Because the case was dropped as he was too tiny to be seen when he was in the dock.
D By claiming the millions of dollars involved was merely his daughters’ budget for hairspray.
34 What was the name of Luis Suarez’s autobiography, published this year?
A All Bite On The Night.
B Crossing The Line.
C The Story Of The Chews.
D The Raw Food Diet.
TOMORROW’S WORLD
Science, technology – and how we waste it with social media
35 Scientists made an historic rendezvous with Comet 67P, which was said to be the shape of… what?
A A pineapple that’s been hit with a mallet.
B A rubber duck.
C Nicki Minaj’s backside.
D A giant rocky space meringue.
36 How did Kim Kardashian ‘break the internet’?
A She sat on it.
B By typing ‘Google’ into Google.
C By posing nude for Paper magazine.
D She crashed her massive 4x4 into a building containing vital servers.
37 What was the name of the short-lived internet drinking craze of 2014?
A Off-your-Facebook.
B Neknominate.
C Beer Googles.
D Getting Plankered.
38 What was #elevatorgate all about?
A Leaked footage showing Jay Z fighting with his sister-in-law in a hotel elevator.
B Rumours over whether Tom Cruise was wearing elevated heels on the red carpet of a movie premiere.
C The etiquette of pressing the ground-floor button again when entering a crowded lift.
D Scandal of The Shard skyscraper calling them elevators rather than the more British ‘lifts’.
39 What was wrong with a cash machine installed at a Nottingham Sainsbury’s?
A It was just 15in off the ground.
B There were instructions displayed in Klingon.
C It dished out unofficial advance copies of £10 notes with Prince Charles’s head on.
D It complained of ‘unexpected item in the carding area’ every time you tried to put your card in.
40 Microsoft paid $2.5billion for what?
A The rights to use the animated paper clip in Office, from the great-grandson of the inventor of the original stationery item.
B The Minecraft video game.
C A 50ft gold-plated statue of Bill Gates giving a ‘two-fingered salute’, to be positioned directly opposite Apple’s HQ.
D Office workers who claimed that use of its PowerPoint software had induced narcolepsy
ANSWERS
1B 2D 3C 4B 5C 6B 7D 8B 9B 10C 11C 12B 13A 14A 15B 16A 17A 18C 19B 20A 21C 22A 23B 24B 25B 26C 27D 28C 29B 30A 31A 32D 33B 34B 35B 36C 37B 38A 39A 40B
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