Christine is unplugged as ex-model Ruby is made Star Baker again... despite her lop-sided shed: Jim Shelley on The Great British Bake Off
By JIM SHELLEY
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The very point of this show is that the contestants make eye-watering, mind-boggling, cream-laden cakes, buns and exotic creation that the mere mortals watching at home would never match themselves or in fact, attempt.
This week though, you wouldn’t even want to EAT most of what they came up with, let alone try and make your own.
Damsel in distress: it seemed Kimberley was destined to be this week's Star Baker. But then as Paul Hollywood said, 'then there's always Ruby'
The loaves for example could not be made from ordinary flour, forcing the bakers to go for wholeflour spelt, plain spelt, and potato spelt. Yuck.
Their Showstopper Challenges meanwhile had to be dairy free, so no cream, eggs, or butter. In other words, none of the good bits. Sue Perkins called it ‘a vegetable cake’ which sounded like an oxymoron to me.
Mary Berry made it clear she considered carrot cake far too common.
Paul Hollywood was unfazed about making Ruby his Star Pupil, I mean Baker, despite the fact that the shed roof on Ruby's allotment cake was wobbly
‘They might even have made a courgette cake,’ she continued, although it sounded unlikely. ‘But they’ve got to think beyond that.’
Think beyond courgette cake ?! Had she been back on Howard’s hemp ?!
Only the Technical Challenge (a hazelnut dacquoise, made with ‘several layers of nut-rich cream and three layers of meringue’) gave Mary any scope to use the adjective ‘scrummy.’
from right to left: Mel Giedroyc, Sue Perkins and Mary Berry wonder whether Ruby's shed is going to fall off the side of her cake and why Paul has made her Star Baker
Clearly thrown by these very un-GBBO parameters, most of the final five struggled.
Even Kimberley and Frances were harshly criticised, while Christine, whose homely classic cooking has gone downhill in recent weeks, was sent home to the comfort of her husband’s spotted dick.
This left Ruby as Star Baker almost by default - even without Paul Hollywood’s blatant bias.
Round One required them to make loaves ‘from chestnut, rye or rice’ or any flour that was ‘unusual’ (wrong). They could be ‘in a tin or free form’, said Perkins – like jazz.
Mel Giedroyc, Sue Perkins and Mary Berry pretend to look interested in Paul's pontificating about proving
Most of them just went for spelt which, we learned, has ‘a weak gluten structure’ that makes it ‘more unpredictable to work with’. In other words, the Sean Penn of bread.
‘When you’re working with spelt, it can flow. That’s the term we use in the industry,’ explained Paul Hollywood preening, and his head visibly growing.
Even Frances couldn’t make a spelt loaf appealing.
Her ‘Chelsea flour show bun bouquet’ was ‘a tear and share loaf’ flavoured with orange zest with honeycomb.
Mary liked it, cheering: ‘I think it would be great to tear and share.’
Me too ! It would be particularly great to tear and share with Mary.
In the firing line: (from right to left) Beca, Kimberley, Christine, Frances and Ruby-Ruby-Ruby wait to hear that Christine has been given the chop
But, as so often happens in a way I have yet to understand, Paul Hollywood disagreed, frowning: ‘I think it could’ve done with more proving.’
According to Mel Giedroyc the amazing swirling pattern inside Kimberley’s wild garlic pesto and Parma ham spelt loaf’ looked ‘like a beautiful cabbage.’
‘It’s supposed to be a rose !’ cried Kimberley which sounded more likely.
A bigger problem was that Paul declared: ‘The texture’s all wrong. It’s too dry inside.’
So, dry svelte bread that looked like cabbage.
Christine had a terrible week, starting with a ‘multi-seeded loaf with pumpkin sesame and sunflower seeds with potato flour, rice flour and tapioca flour.’
What ? Little old me ? Ruby takes the plaudits from contestants and judges alike
Hold me back.
For her dacquoise, her custard was so thin it had ‘lost all definition’. If there’s one thing we all hate, it’s custard with no definition.
As for her meringues, they were ‘too chewy,’ said Mary, virtually sneering.
‘It’s been baked too quick,’ added Paul, crushingly. ‘It just looks untidy round the edges.’
Apart from this though, they were a triumph.
For the novelty cake in the Showstopper Challenge, for reasons of her own, Christine decided to make ‘a 3D sweet potato cake in the shape of a guitar with passion fruit icing, pineapple, and marshmallow fondant.’
It was goodbye to Christine - the strawberry girl
Crocodile tears: and the BAFTA for Best Baker Crying Over A Mixing Bowl goes to...
These will available from Greggs from tomorrow, price 49p.
‘I don’t foresee any problems,’ she smiled benignly and it turned out, erroneously. Paul seemed to take exception to her the guitar was more Brian May than Jimmy Page and branded it as ‘too bland’, which is the last thing you want in a 3D novelty cake in the shape of a guitar.
‘It needed one flavour to come through !’ he reiterated, which was, admittedly an idea.
Still Christine was unlucky to go.
For her Showstopper Challenge, Beca made something she had never made before or bothered to practise. ‘But it looked exactly how I wanted it to, if not actually better than I had anticipated in my head,’ she congratulated herself, ‘so I’m really, really chuffed.’
Maybe she should have tasted it too.
Sue Perkins admires Ruby's piping - and who can blame her?
What she made was ‘a wooden board with a massive chunk of cheese on the top’ – or rather ‘a spiced butternut squash and pecan cheese cake’ that looked like a wooden board with a massive chunk of cheese on the top.
Weird, and weirdly tasteless according to the judges.
‘I’m afraid the cake for me doesn’t have a great deal of flavour,’ said Mary gently.
‘It has no flavour. It’s just bland all the way through,’ said Hollywood, less gently.
So with Frances, Beca and Christine turning out to be Not That Great British Bakers at all, Paul confirmed to Mel and Sue, that he was thinking that ‘Kimberley’s up there as Star Baker’ - suggesting Kimberley was finally going to receive some long overdue recognition. ‘But having said that, possibly Ruby’s up there as well.’
It's a rose: Mel said the swirling pattern inside Kimberley's wild garlic pesto and Parma ham spelt loaf' looked 'like a beautiful cabbage'
Ah Ruby. Of course she was right up there – in more ways than one.
Ruby had started by making the revelation that she had decided ‘this week I’m not going to slag off my bakes to Mary and Paul ! There’s no point in me putting ideas in their minds.’
This was a commendable sentiment and something of a relief to those of us who had tired of her protesting too much to gain reassurance from Mary and Paul, not to mention, as it turned out, a total fantasy.
‘Let’s have a look inside,’ began Hollywood, cutting a slice of her svelte cob with mango and Nigella seeds or ‘mango chutney in a bread.’
‘Oh it’s going to be so bad !’ Ruby interjected with the type of agonised, winsome squeal she has perfected over the last few weeks. ‘It’s under-proved, under-baked, it’s horrible...’ she sighed, like a damsel in distress trying to attract the attention of Prince Charming.
Tough: All of the contestants struggled this week and even Frances couldn't make a svelte loaf appealing
But hey presto, wouldn’t you know, it was in fact a perfect loaf, ‘a winner for flavour’ and not remotely, um, under-proved.
When she broke a whisk bowl, she flustered: ‘I’m too embarrassed to bake anymore, I can’t do it !’ but somehow managed to soldier on.
‘I’m not that good on meringues,’ she announced - before winning the Technical Challenge largely ‘for the volume of her meringues’, which did indeed looks very lovely.
Finally, she even managed to upstage Frances and the unlucky Kimberley with 3D carrot cake in the Showstopper Challenge, even though Mary Berry had warned these were not sufficiently unusual.
Unlucky: Christine had a terrible week - which doesn't leave much hope for the rest of us
Beca made a spiced butternut squash and pecan 'cheese' cake with fondant mice, although why is anyone's guess
Impressive skills: Christine's guitar looked great and even included a score of music. But still lost
Paul Hollywood pretends to be gazing at Ruby's shed or try not to sound like Swiss Toni. 'Making a cake like an allotment shed is very much like making love to a beautiful woman...'
Admittedly it was a carrot cake in the shape of ‘an allotment’ – with vegetable beds, soil made of poppy seeds, pistachio grass and a shed built with dark chocolate planks and a praline roof.
It looked a bit of a mess to be honest – exactly like an allotment.
With five minutes to go, poor Ruby insisted it was ‘going quite badly’, conceding that this was better than it had been going earlier – when it had been going ‘really badly.’
It’s a wonder she turns up at all.
‘I’ve got a lop-sided shed !’ she trembled. ‘It’s going to fall over.’
You’ll be amazed to know it didn’t and that Paul didn’t care about Ruby’s lop-sided shed.
Well you know what they say: love is blind.
High intensity: Emotions were running high throughout the show and even the usual cheery Beca looked flat
Group hug: while the Bakers waited for the verdict, they were off for a group hug
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2450192/Great-British-Bake-Off-Christine-leaves-Ruby-star-baker-again.html#ixzz2hF6s6mF4
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